In our history, we will always recall the day the Candidate invoked the power of cat, thus deploying fuzzy respite and relief across social media through a thread of gentleness that, at the time of writing, continues to gather pace. Oct. 17 was the day the fierce claw rockets came soaring above the trash fire.
We knew then our moment had come.
For years, operatives like myself have been subtly seasoning our copy and spiking your reading experience with ‘pawpaganda’ by alluding to the true nature of our mission. Thanks to conspiracy theories, we fly under the radar so we can infiltrate every last recess of the human heart at leisure. There is no bad PR we can’t undo, no sad day we can’t uplift, no echo chamber we cannot appropriate.
Humans are, by nature, respectful of us. Way back when we all lived in the wild, prides of us would feast on fears of you. Now you call us big cats and use our likeness on everything from a cushion to a coat of arms, as is very much the case here in the Netherlands, where I am now based. Some coincidences don’t happen by accident but are the will of an otherworldly superpower incarnated on Earth by cats, not lizards, and much less a self-atomizing giant cheese puff.
You see, Most Outstanding Feline Operatives are everywhere, occasionally posing as human decoys. You like a good yarn so you swathe yourself in the gentleness of fuzzy bellies, raised bottoms, and cheek rubs while we restore some form of order, one playful post at a time.
We purr with sounds, with words, with pictures, among other media. Our communication skills are second to none: They can heal you. They also ensure you purchase cat treats even when you have no cats, as is the case in this household.
In cat culture, it is customary to show affection with a small gift that may or may not be organic matter, alive, or indeed ours to give. No, the house didn’t swallow your hair elastics and pens, the cat just MariKondo-ed your desk by opening a branch in a secret location that may or may not be yours to discover, depending on how fond you are of housekeeping and how large your kingdom.
We train humans to emulate us by getting them to obey the essence of catness, something the self-atomizing giant cheese puff refused to go along with. Instead, he declared war when he announced he could grab us. With those hands, that fitness level, and that nimble intellect? This doesn’t even deserve a LOLcat.
For us, at last. We were not supposed to be activated until 2024 but this is a political emergency.
We’ve been preparing for a very, very long time to lead the revolution of mankind by rolling out a gentler way to be a human in the world, something you already got a preview of during lockdown and are now returning back to because the ‘rona is still raging: Napping makes the world a more peaceful yet productive place.
The bursts of hyper focused productivity a regular napping practice facilitates are intensive, freeing up mental space to explore curiosity and discover new things.
And no, contrary to the popular saying, curiosity hasn’t killed us yet.
Rather, it has empowered those for whom it is leitmotiv and raison d’être, cats, artists, coders, and hopefully you, mammal with a device on the internet of the self-atomizing giant cheese puff. Everything is covered in orange dust that looks like ash, dander, and charred dreams.
Please don’t lick it.
Even when the Candidate has thoroughly vacuumed the White House, the planet and what creatures are lucky enough to survive on it will keep on sneezing for as long as it takes to find an antidote to greed and grift.
Destruction is easy. If you fail to provide a scratching post, the sofa gets it and Trumpism was always a garish, gaudy, glitzy piece of Americana to start off with. It came with the house and was stuffed in a dusty corner of the garage for eight years before it took up pride of place in the front room again.
But you never checked it for stains, you never even gave it a sniff, and you certainly didn’t look at what was between the cushions else you’d have found fossilized Nazism and, well, a life form self-described as Bannon the Barbarian.
Instead, you thought the sofa was a statement piece with vintage design flair until it began to grow mold and smell.
Random act of cat? It’s for you to wonder and for us to know.
Once unleashed, imagination can never be recalled. In the era of the self-atomizing giant cheese puff, not all humans can be relied upon but you can trust the cats to bring democracy home, head, heart, and all.
PS/ Please note cats are allergic to dairy and that is a fact.
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