Good sex Goes Beyond Orgasm

On moving past self-serving nakedness

If orgasm is the only thing on your mind when you engage in sexual intercourse, not only have you got sex wrong but you’re missing out on all it has to offer.

Looking at another human and seeing them as a personal pleasure delivery device is reductive and selfish. Alas, our culture has conditioned us to prioritize our needs and disregard those of others, and such a mindset isn’t unusual when it comes to sex.

Individualism and sex do not good bedfellows make.

Unless you’re masturbating or intercourse is a business transaction involving a sex worker with a clear brief, sex isn’t only about you. Instead, it’s about you and your partner(s) and how to ensure everyone has an enjoyable time.

In other words, sexual fulfillment that involves more than one person should never be a one-way street. No matter how much you’re yearning for the release of orgasm, you won’t get there alone so the least you can do is figure out how to take your partner(s) with you.

Because if you’re only after getting your kicks at their expense, that’s dehumanizing for them. And you probably should just masturbate to porn and leave other folks out of the equation.

Entitlement has no place in the bedroom.

Do orgasms absolutely need to be the end goal of intercourse?

Or isn’t the journey as — if not even far more — interesting than the destination in this case?

An orgasm brings us a rush of endorphins but it also doesn’t last, even when it’s the multiple kind we women can achieve. At least nature has given us this one advantage over men, who roll over once they’ve ejaculated and often start snoozing while we could keep going. The trade off is women have to put up with the many indignities and discomfort of menstruation, pregnancy, and childbirth.

Should we focus on “Wham, bam, thank you Ma’am!” or fully inhabit every instant of intercourse with no care for what comes next? When you surrender to the moment, sex becomes immediately enjoyable, like a symphony you and your partner(s) are composing on the fly.

Using fingers, mouths, tongues, sexual organs, imagination, and other erotic devices, good sex is about engaging all our senses.

It rests as much on mutual attraction and consent as it does on mutual respect, effective communication, and mindfulness.

When you make every sensation, every sound, every word matter, the payoff loses some of its importance.

Sometimes, it ceases to matter altogether.

Good sex is thoughtful and devoted.

It is an exchange of pleasure between partners who, for a while, set aside everything to go into hyperfocus mode and dedicate themselves to touch.

Good sex can suspend time and make even the worst of predicaments disappear for a while.

Good sex can restore calm in chaos; good sex can restore humanity and belonging to those who may have gone without for a long time; good sex can energize us.

Above all else, good sex is unconditional acceptance of the other at their most unguarded and thus vulnerable; it involves some amount of care and emotional investment in their wellbeing and enjoyment as well as our own.

When theirs and ours become so intertwined they’re one and the same, good sex happens; it is a human communion of sorts.

Suddenly, there’s balance and symmetry in the shared pursuit of what feels good in the moment. When good sex works, it’s quite possible to lose yourself in the exploration of another body and forget all about orgasm. You’re so enthralled time flies and eventually you realize you’re tired and need to rest.

Neither party might have achieved orgasm but you’re both content, sated, and secure in the knowledge appreciation is mutual.

Intimacy is the real reward and far more difficult to achieve than rapid sexual release.

Anyone can reach orgasm with fingers but good sex takes partners in every sense of the word.

I’m a French-American writer, journalist, and editor living out of a suitcase in transit between North America and Europe. To continue the conversation, follow the bird. For email and everything else, deets in bio.

The human condition is not a pathology・👋ASingularStory[at]gmail・ ☕️ https://ko-fi.com/ASingularStory

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